cohero | (Reply)

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[Somehow, amazingly, the store in an upscale district is near a park-- go figure, and there's a bench, of course there is. It's made for them to sit at and stare at the grass that's struggling to go from brown to green once more. Dick pulls Jason into him, almost in his lap if he could. He wraps an arm around behind him and leans his head against him. ]

So, I told you how when we met, and for a while after I was jealous. I felt like you took my place, and it was stupid, it was so stupid of me. I didn't understand then what I know now. I didn't know you. I had already started to fall for you, and immediately pulled away, but back then I didn't know how to control myself in any predictable way. I saw you as having things that I didn't want, and yet wasn't ready to give up. You were robin, and knew who you were. I had no clue who I was on the inside. I was floundering. I didn't understand that you didn't know either. Then I saw that you were .... masterful, so full of life and proud to be Robin. I missed being so full of life, not only was I jealous of it, I wanted you because of it. It was one of the first things that drew me in. Your spark. Then the way you moved, and fuck, your body, and so, so, many other things. Your beautiful smile, your eyes... I was such a mess. I really was. I know that people didn't see me that way, but I know who I was inside. It was dark, and selfish and a messy horrid place.

[Dick stroked over Jason's arm. He knows that they've talked through a lot of this, but it's all a part of what leads to his afterlife, he guesses -- he doesn't know what else to call it. It's the worst thing in the world. ]

The part to remember is that, even through my jealousy, I came to love you. I loved you so much, even if I couldn't show it.

So, the worst thing in the world for me would be to truly harm you. To bring my jealousy to life and take it out on you. The pit, it does that. Remember. We talked about that. About blocking things out too.... I didn't block mine out, although god, I wish that I could, Jason. I wish. I don't want you to hate me. I still don't, I can't still see it though.... I close my eyes and i can still see it.

[He closes his eyes now and takes a deep breath, emotion heavy in the sound of his voice.]