cohero | (Reply)

From:

[The thing that scares Dick is that Jason won't see him the same after this. They rose together, but Dick still harbored this secret for all the things he said about truth, he kept this. This is his secret, the thing that holds him back-- this is why he's always scared. It's why he can't ever judge anymore, why his heart is dark in places he never talks about. Dick does the best to be the person he has always been, but at times he's not.

Closing his eyes, Dick nods. He inhales and breathes out, trying not to let the panic take over him. He made it out alive. He told Crane to go to hell. He was not that person in the end, and Jason needs to realize that too-- but how many times did he let himself kill Jason before.

Bile rises in his throat even thinking of it. He's with the person he loves more than anything, and the one he wants to commit his life to. Turning so that they touch a little more, he looks at Jason's knees.]

I was... I was the Joker inside, and controlled by Cane. He kept pushing me, pushing me to give into my jealousy and ... and I had a bat, and... I beat you. I killed you. I did it, Jason over and...

[This time Dick turns away and is sick. He hates himself for what he did down there. It's the epitome of wrong. There's more to the story, but he doesn't even know if Jason will still want to look at him to live with him after this.]

I killed you, and until I was able to get a hold of my narrative and realize that I was in control, and that I never wanted this, that it wasn't what I wanted, I almost really died. When I stopped, Crane disappeared and I came out choking and Gar and Rachel saved me. I understand if you don't want to ever look at me again. I couldn't bear to tell you before this. It was too much, and I love you so much. I - I hate myself so much for that, I don't blame you if you hate me too.