[The thing that scares Dick is that Jason won't see him the same after this. They rose together, but Dick still harbored this secret for all the things he said about truth, he kept this. This is his secret, the thing that holds him back-- this is why he's always scared. It's why he can't ever judge anymore, why his heart is dark in places he never talks about. Dick does the best to be the person he has always been, but at times he's not.
Closing his eyes, Dick nods. He inhales and breathes out, trying not to let the panic take over him. He made it out alive. He told Crane to go to hell. He was not that person in the end, and Jason needs to realize that too-- but how many times did he let himself kill Jason before.
Bile rises in his throat even thinking of it. He's with the person he loves more than anything, and the one he wants to commit his life to. Turning so that they touch a little more, he looks at Jason's knees.]
I was... I was the Joker inside, and controlled by Cane. He kept pushing me, pushing me to give into my jealousy and ... and I had a bat, and... I beat you. I killed you. I did it, Jason over and...
[This time Dick turns away and is sick. He hates himself for what he did down there. It's the epitome of wrong. There's more to the story, but he doesn't even know if Jason will still want to look at him to live with him after this.]
I killed you, and until I was able to get a hold of my narrative and realize that I was in control, and that I never wanted this, that it wasn't what I wanted, I almost really died. When I stopped, Crane disappeared and I came out choking and Gar and Rachel saved me. I understand if you don't want to ever look at me again. I couldn't bear to tell you before this. It was too much, and I love you so much. I - I hate myself so much for that, I don't blame you if you hate me too.
[It's shocking, hearing it in all the gory detail. Not because of Dick, but because of the vivid memories it brings back. The feeling of being bashed in the head, his body, over and over again. No one should have to remember their skull cracking open, but Jason does.
It makes him lose his breath for a moment, a flash of the Joker standing over him. He isn't Dick, though. Thank god he isn't Dick.
Still, his pulse is racing so fast that he's dizzy with it, and he has to grab the bench and close his eyes as Dick goes on. Jason's no stranger to panic attacks or PTSD. It's been happening for a long time now. He's gotten better at reeling it in, but this is a lot.]
[Fuck. Dick knew that he'd mess up this brilliant moment that they were about to have, one of joy and wonder. They were about to do something so perfectly special between them, but nothing full of joy seems to ever stay that way in his experience.
They both have scars they don't talk about and this is a part of the reason why. Hearing that tone, Dick knows what it is. He's fighting his own struggle for comprehension, time and space. Another might label it as fallout from his experience with death-- but it's time for that to take a backseat.
None of that matters at the whisper of Dick's name. Jason is his life, his breath and he will always figure his own desire for oxygen later. Panic for himself can be withheld while he sees to the person he loves first. How could Dick have been so stupid. Wickedly irresponsible... Ceasing to breathe, Dick focuses and hard. he has to be Jason's strength. ]
Deep breath. You're here with me. You're here with Dick. We're going to go and get tattoos so we can go on vacation to Hawaii. You are not there, you are with me and I love you. See our hands, our joined fingers. Feel the way my hand wraps around yours. Bring yourself back...Breathe back from that time.
[Swallowing, Dick closes his eyes and he runs his fingers through Jason's hair with his free hand, pushing through the curls. They resist his fingers, but he forces them back against the wildness, taming the unmanageable over and over to bring calm to the storm that wants to railroad them both in this moment.]
We're both here. You with me, and I'm with you. Our feet are on the ground, our knees are touching. Here. Feel my hands on your soft skin, your whole skin, perfect and lovely. You're the most beautiful man I know, and the one I want to live the rest of my life with. Look at me, see me, and not the past. You made it out. You are beyond that. We are beyond that. I'm sorry I took you back there even a little. It's my fault. Breathe with me jason.
[ His moment of breathlessness turns into another, and another, but he knows grabbing onto Dick will help. What he feels isn't disgust or hate for Dick, it's the knowledge that he has this solid person in his life who he can always hold on to.
The rest of what he feels is pain, bursting through him. He feels like he's going to die- but he listens to Dick's words. He feels his hand in Dick's, tries to focus on the ground under his feet, the feel of Dick's knee against his own, their tangled fingers. Dick's voice pushes away the buzzing in his head and he looks at his face, trying to breathe with him.
He nods, squeezing Dick's hand harder. They're here in this moment, in the park. Not there. They'll never be back there again. ]
[There's a roll of turmoil inside. Dick has no idea where this is going to leave them, but he's going to hold onto Jason right now. There's no world where he'd ever let go when Jason needed him. His own breathing is coming back to him in the wake of being needed. It's natural-- others over himself, especially Jason. That's why his event had been so traumatic.
He wraps himself around Jason now, cradling him softly. Every motion soft and gentle, the strokes along his arms are smooth and careful. His voice is almost a lullabye in its caution. Dick keeps his face near, and lets Jason cling to the scent, the touch, all the emperical evidence that's needed for him to touch base with the reality that is, and not the one that's trying to take over. ]
You're here with me baby. I'm here, and I'll never repeat that again. I'm so sorry. I should have thought. It's all my fault. I'm thoughtless, careless, and I'm sorry. I'm so thoughtless. I needed you to know what I did, but I could have done it differently. I had to let you know before you tied yourself to me though. You had to know everything, but I love you, shhhh, you're here. I love you... always.
[Doing something he rarely ever does Dick begins to sing. It's a well known song, and he doesn't sing all of it, but his voice is pure and sweet. It's not a thing he shares often, but he wants to bring Jason all the way back to him-- and this is how he feels so completely. His heart is there, bleeding freely on his sleeve for the one person that will always offer every part to.]
[ Dick's arms around him help tremendously, that solidness not stifling, but grounding. It hasn't hit him like this in a long time and later on he'll probably feel guilty and embarrassed, but right now all he can do is hold on to the one thing, the one person who can keep him here.
He wants to argue that it wasn't Dick's fault, that he wasn't thoughtless, but he's not there yet. He's still trying to calm his hammering heart.
When Dick starts singing, it's shocking enough to make all the rest of those thoughts go away. It's heartfelt and beautiful and after a moment his arms slide around Dick, too, and the tension slowly eases from his shoulders. ]
[It's not embarrassing. They both had a moment there on the bench. Jason wasn't the only one who started to lose himself in the memories, so they brought one another back. If it isn't proof enough that they are tied together, and bring one another out of the ashes, Dick really isn't sure what is. He's almost sure that his phoenix should certainly be one that rises from Jason and continues -- like a springboard, maybe the nest in one place...
He stays clinging several minutes after the song is done with his eyes closed. He doesn't want to let go. Maybe it's a sight to see them like this, but Dick could really care less. There are gay men that do a lot more in the middle of the city. They are hugging with their heads and bodies together, breathing. ]
Do you forgive me. I only ever want to make you happy, but I couldn't hold back something so big before we did something so permanent.
[ Jason holds tight to Dick as well. He doesn't want to let go. He just needs a little while longer, but he sure as hell doesn't care about the people around them. They don't even exist in his head right now. It's just the two of them on this park bench, clinging for dear life and sanity.
His breathing evens out, and eventually when Dick speaks again he lifts his head a little, wanting to look at Dick. ]
There's nothing to forgive, Dick. It wasn't you. And everything before that- the jealousy and all. I get it.
[He breathes out again.]
Sorry that I absolutely lost my shit. That hasn't happened in a while.
[Dick obviously has absolutely nowhere to go, and even if he thought he did, it would be the last thing on his mind. All that he cares about is holding tight to Jason. He too is slowly feeling the world returning. There's barely color in his face and his fingertips are tingling along with his toes.
His lungs hurt, and he has no idea how he even got through a song. Yes he does, he did it because he had to- for Jason. There's a lot of things he'd do for the person he's holding. Dick knows already that he'd crawl through lava if that's what was required of him. ]
I still feel ... gross. You, I was with you. I think you saved me from my attack because I had to help you. You're allowed to lose it. You had something horrid happen. It was evil and ...
[Dick shakes his head, because he won't mention it again. It's triggering for both of them for differing reasons. He has no reason to ever give voice to that moment in history again. The joker is dead, and Crane won't be bothering either of them in their lifetime. They are safe. ]
I will do my best to always be here for you when that happens, and if I'm not, I'm always a call away. Now you know how I feel and understand it too in my own way. I love you, is all I can say, and I have loved you for while now. I'm so thankful you don't hold it against me, any of it. You still willing to get a tattoo with me or do you want to wait. I'd understand.
If you need to hear me say it, then I forgive you. You didn't do those things that you saw in the pit. You don't have to feel guilty over it.
[There were other things, far more real that Jason had been angry at Dick over, but he doesn't want to go back there again. They're at a good place now, and the pain of the past is something he's working through. The present, and how Dick is with him now, that's what matters in the here and now.]
I try not to think about it. I try to keep my head here. With you.
[Maybe repression is not a good way to deal with things, and that's why Jason can get set off like this, so intensely, but- it is what it is.]
I don't hold it against you. What happened in the pit, it was probably like a dream. A really bad dream.
[Though now Jason wonders again why he didn't see anything. Where did he actually go? It's not something he wants to get caught up in now either. He tightens his hold on Dick's hand, his other dragging through his hair.]
I do wanna do it. I wanna feel something else, I wanna be with you.
[Hopefully, all those things are in the had category and they've worked through most of them as well. There are times that Dick worries that things he does brings them through past traumas at times-- things they've never resolved, but because Jason won't share he doesn't know for sure. It's probably the only thing he ever has problems with in their relationship.
Not that it's on his mind right now, and it's not something that would ever keep him from Jason in any real fashion. Little things, they will always bring discussion and bickering, but never anything of real vehemence. Dick loves Jason more than anything this world or the next will ever know. ]
Here is good, as long as there's nothing between us. That's the most important thing. I don't know what the pit is, beyond our worst being thrown at us.
[Dick has his theories, solid ones on that-- there's only so much trauma that a mind and body can handle at once, and Dick truly believes that Jason was already at the edge of his and who knows what blanks that evil medicine stole from his mind anyhow. Plus, he was taken from the pit none too gently, and wasn't surrounded by those who cared for him then either. None of what happened to him was fair or gentle. His entire brain had a reworking. That could have had something to do with it too. There are a lot of reasons.
Right now, it's about being together and being in love. Holding Jason close, Dick pulls back a little and looks at him solidly.]
This is no small thing. This is forever you know. It's not only about feeling something else, this is going to tie you to me, period. I want this more than anything, but I want you to be sure as well.
[ He's probably share those things if Dick really wanted him to, but he hasn't felt the need to just bring it up. He's different from Dick in that way. Dick needs to talk, to let things off his chest like he did right now, but Jason handles his traumas in his own way.
Sometimes though, he just doesn't want to mess things up. Things are good with them, and he doesn't want to ruin that. ]
There's nothing between us, Dick. The stuff from the past, I wanna leave it there. I-- I really appreciate you telling me how you feel though, because that was the thing that got me, you know? You being jealous, me just wanting to get to know you. I didn't realize you had other feelings for me at the start.
[That part is good to know, even now. Dick was scared. They both were.]
Maybe now and then, not all the time, or even often, but eventually, when there's time and you feel open, we can talk about a few things. I- I don't want to accidentally set off a bad memory, or trip you up because I do anything that reminds you of a bad thing in the past that I might be able to help with. Like you didn't know I was jealous, and loved you this whole time, because we didn't talk. I love you, and I want us to be strong.
[It's not that Dick wants to talk. He doesn't. It's like needles in his skin sometimes when he brings things up. It's that he knows that if they're going to make it through, going to do this as a couple, that he has to do this.
Dick made a vow to himself, and to this relationship. Maybe he was stubborn enough not to see the counselor like everyone said he should, but he devoured books, online and even a few of the real things. He's got degrees under his belt, and he might as well add to the things that he knows for the most important thing in his life. ]
Alright, then lets go find this place.
[He kisses Jason one more time, securely, and with a fierce need before he even thinks about moving. His hands wrap tightly around him, because he needs this. He needs Jason, so much. When it breaks, he smiles and slowly unwraps himself. It feels harder to breathe when he does, but he knows he has to in order to do anything.]
Maybe- yeah. I feel like we're in a good place though, aren't we? Bringing up stuff from the past- I dunno. If it's bothering you, sure. We can talk. I didn't know you loved me that whole time, no. But it doesn't change how much I love you know, you know?
[He's not sure if Dick has to do this, especially if he doesn't want to talk. But Jason doesn't exactly approach these things in a healthy way, so maybe the more they start talking, the more normal it'll seem. It's hard to say, though. And he doesn't want to have a panic attack again.
He doubts it'll happen, there isn't much that sets him off. Dick just found one of those deep fears and pulled it right out.
It'll be okay, though. Dick kisses him so fiercely, and he kisses back, letting it give him strength. Being in Dick's arms like this always does. His arms are tight around Dick because he wants the other to know he feels the same way. He needs Dick so damn much.]
I know. I just want to make sure we're healthy. I don't want to have anything hanging between us. Does that make sense. We don't have to do anything now. I'm happy and we're doing wonderful. I feel lighter and love you so much. We can figure out a way to do it that makes it feel less ominous some time.
[It's not going to happen today, or on their trip. It's only a thing that Dick wants them to think about over time, because being able to share the good and bad is a thing that they need to be able to do he thinks-- because bad will happen, and neither of them are perfect.
Maybe if they do get used to it now it'll be easier in the future. It's only because this relationship and Jason are the most important things in the world to Dick and there's nothing he would do to make sure they remain together and a success.
Getting this tattoo is a huge step for them, and when they kiss it feels like there's nothing that could ever tear them apart. Holding Jason for a few seconds longer, Dick presses a kiss to Jason's neck and nods. ]
I'm okay now. I want this more than ever now. I want the world to know that we belong together, two birds risen from the ashes.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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Closing his eyes, Dick nods. He inhales and breathes out, trying not to let the panic take over him. He made it out alive. He told Crane to go to hell. He was not that person in the end, and Jason needs to realize that too-- but how many times did he let himself kill Jason before.
Bile rises in his throat even thinking of it. He's with the person he loves more than anything, and the one he wants to commit his life to. Turning so that they touch a little more, he looks at Jason's knees.]
I was... I was the Joker inside, and controlled by Cane. He kept pushing me, pushing me to give into my jealousy and ... and I had a bat, and... I beat you. I killed you. I did it, Jason over and...
[This time Dick turns away and is sick. He hates himself for what he did down there. It's the epitome of wrong. There's more to the story, but he doesn't even know if Jason will still want to look at him to live with him after this.]
I killed you, and until I was able to get a hold of my narrative and realize that I was in control, and that I never wanted this, that it wasn't what I wanted, I almost really died. When I stopped, Crane disappeared and I came out choking and Gar and Rachel saved me. I understand if you don't want to ever look at me again. I couldn't bear to tell you before this. It was too much, and I love you so much. I - I hate myself so much for that, I don't blame you if you hate me too.
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It makes him lose his breath for a moment, a flash of the Joker standing over him. He isn't Dick, though. Thank god he isn't Dick.
Still, his pulse is racing so fast that he's dizzy with it, and he has to grab the bench and close his eyes as Dick goes on. Jason's no stranger to panic attacks or PTSD. It's been happening for a long time now. He's gotten better at reeling it in, but this is a lot.]
Dick...
[He says panicked, grabbing Dick's hand, squeezing hard.]
no subject
They both have scars they don't talk about and this is a part of the reason why. Hearing that tone, Dick knows what it is. He's fighting his own struggle for comprehension, time and space. Another might label it as fallout from his experience with death-- but it's time for that to take a backseat.
None of that matters at the whisper of Dick's name. Jason is his life, his breath and he will always figure his own desire for oxygen later. Panic for himself can be withheld while he sees to the person he loves first. How could Dick have been so stupid. Wickedly irresponsible... Ceasing to breathe, Dick focuses and hard. he has to be Jason's strength. ]
Deep breath. You're here with me. You're here with Dick. We're going to go and get tattoos so we can go on vacation to Hawaii. You are not there, you are with me and I love you. See our hands, our joined fingers. Feel the way my hand wraps around yours. Bring yourself back...Breathe back from that time.
[Swallowing, Dick closes his eyes and he runs his fingers through Jason's hair with his free hand, pushing through the curls. They resist his fingers, but he forces them back against the wildness, taming the unmanageable over and over to bring calm to the storm that wants to railroad them both in this moment.]
We're both here. You with me, and I'm with you. Our feet are on the ground, our knees are touching. Here. Feel my hands on your soft skin, your whole skin, perfect and lovely. You're the most beautiful man I know, and the one I want to live the rest of my life with. Look at me, see me, and not the past. You made it out. You are beyond that. We are beyond that. I'm sorry I took you back there even a little. It's my fault. Breathe with me jason.
no subject
The rest of what he feels is pain, bursting through him. He feels like he's going to die- but he listens to Dick's words. He feels his hand in Dick's, tries to focus on the ground under his feet, the feel of Dick's knee against his own, their tangled fingers. Dick's voice pushes away the buzzing in his head and he looks at his face, trying to breathe with him.
He nods, squeezing Dick's hand harder. They're here in this moment, in the park. Not there. They'll never be back there again. ]
M'sorry... fuck, I'm sorry.
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He wraps himself around Jason now, cradling him softly. Every motion soft and gentle, the strokes along his arms are smooth and careful. His voice is almost a lullabye in its caution. Dick keeps his face near, and lets Jason cling to the scent, the touch, all the emperical evidence that's needed for him to touch base with the reality that is, and not the one that's trying to take over. ]
You're here with me baby. I'm here, and I'll never repeat that again. I'm so sorry. I should have thought. It's all my fault. I'm thoughtless, careless, and I'm sorry. I'm so thoughtless. I needed you to know what I did, but I could have done it differently. I had to let you know before you tied yourself to me though. You had to know everything, but I love you, shhhh, you're here. I love you... always.
[Doing something he rarely ever does Dick begins to sing. It's a well known song, and he doesn't sing all of it, but his voice is pure and sweet. It's not a thing he shares often, but he wants to bring Jason all the way back to him-- and this is how he feels so completely. His heart is there, bleeding freely on his sleeve for the one person that will always offer every part to.]
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He wants to argue that it wasn't Dick's fault, that he wasn't thoughtless, but he's not there yet. He's still trying to calm his hammering heart.
When Dick starts singing, it's shocking enough to make all the rest of those thoughts go away. It's heartfelt and beautiful and after a moment his arms slide around Dick, too, and the tension slowly eases from his shoulders. ]
I love you too.
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He stays clinging several minutes after the song is done with his eyes closed. He doesn't want to let go. Maybe it's a sight to see them like this, but Dick could really care less. There are gay men that do a lot more in the middle of the city. They are hugging with their heads and bodies together, breathing. ]
Do you forgive me. I only ever want to make you happy, but I couldn't hold back something so big before we did something so permanent.
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His breathing evens out, and eventually when Dick speaks again he lifts his head a little, wanting to look at Dick. ]
There's nothing to forgive, Dick. It wasn't you. And everything before that- the jealousy and all. I get it.
[He breathes out again.]
Sorry that I absolutely lost my shit. That hasn't happened in a while.
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His lungs hurt, and he has no idea how he even got through a song. Yes he does, he did it because he had to- for Jason. There's a lot of things he'd do for the person he's holding. Dick knows already that he'd crawl through lava if that's what was required of him. ]
I still feel ... gross. You, I was with you. I think you saved me from my attack because I had to help you.
You're allowed to lose it. You had something horrid happen. It was evil and ...
[Dick shakes his head, because he won't mention it again. It's triggering for both of them for differing reasons. He has no reason to ever give voice to that moment in history again. The joker is dead, and Crane won't be bothering either of them in their lifetime. They are safe. ]
I will do my best to always be here for you when that happens, and if I'm not, I'm always a call away. Now you know how I feel and understand it too in my own way. I love you, is all I can say, and I have loved you for while now. I'm so thankful you don't hold it against me, any of it. You still willing to get a tattoo with me or do you want to wait. I'd understand.
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[There were other things, far more real that Jason had been angry at Dick over, but he doesn't want to go back there again. They're at a good place now, and the pain of the past is something he's working through. The present, and how Dick is with him now, that's what matters in the here and now.]
I try not to think about it. I try to keep my head here. With you.
[Maybe repression is not a good way to deal with things, and that's why Jason can get set off like this, so intensely, but- it is what it is.]
I don't hold it against you. What happened in the pit, it was probably like a dream. A really bad dream.
[Though now Jason wonders again why he didn't see anything. Where did he actually go? It's not something he wants to get caught up in now either. He tightens his hold on Dick's hand, his other dragging through his hair.]
I do wanna do it. I wanna feel something else, I wanna be with you.
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Not that it's on his mind right now, and it's not something that would ever keep him from Jason in any real fashion. Little things, they will always bring discussion and bickering, but never anything of real vehemence. Dick loves Jason more than anything this world or the next will ever know. ]
Here is good, as long as there's nothing between us. That's the most important thing. I don't know what the pit is, beyond our worst being thrown at us.
[Dick has his theories, solid ones on that-- there's only so much trauma that a mind and body can handle at once, and Dick truly believes that Jason was already at the edge of his and who knows what blanks that evil medicine stole from his mind anyhow. Plus, he was taken from the pit none too gently, and wasn't surrounded by those who cared for him then either. None of what happened to him was fair or gentle. His entire brain had a reworking. That could have had something to do with it too. There are a lot of reasons.
Right now, it's about being together and being in love. Holding Jason close, Dick pulls back a little and looks at him solidly.]
This is no small thing. This is forever you know. It's not only about feeling something else, this is going to tie you to me, period. I want this more than anything, but I want you to be sure as well.
no subject
Sometimes though, he just doesn't want to mess things up. Things are good with them, and he doesn't want to ruin that. ]
There's nothing between us, Dick. The stuff from the past, I wanna leave it there. I-- I really appreciate you telling me how you feel though, because that was the thing that got me, you know? You being jealous, me just wanting to get to know you. I didn't realize you had other feelings for me at the start.
[That part is good to know, even now. Dick was scared. They both were.]
I'm sure. I wanna do this with you.
no subject
[It's not that Dick wants to talk. He doesn't. It's like needles in his skin sometimes when he brings things up. It's that he knows that if they're going to make it through, going to do this as a couple, that he has to do this.
Dick made a vow to himself, and to this relationship. Maybe he was stubborn enough not to see the counselor like everyone said he should, but he devoured books, online and even a few of the real things. He's got degrees under his belt, and he might as well add to the things that he knows for the most important thing in his life. ]
Alright, then lets go find this place.
[He kisses Jason one more time, securely, and with a fierce need before he even thinks about moving. His hands wrap tightly around him, because he needs this. He needs Jason, so much. When it breaks, he smiles and slowly unwraps himself. It feels harder to breathe when he does, but he knows he has to in order to do anything.]
no subject
[He's not sure if Dick has to do this, especially if he doesn't want to talk. But Jason doesn't exactly approach these things in a healthy way, so maybe the more they start talking, the more normal it'll seem. It's hard to say, though. And he doesn't want to have a panic attack again.
He doubts it'll happen, there isn't much that sets him off. Dick just found one of those deep fears and pulled it right out.
It'll be okay, though. Dick kisses him so fiercely, and he kisses back, letting it give him strength. Being in Dick's arms like this always does. His arms are tight around Dick because he wants the other to know he feels the same way. He needs Dick so damn much.]
Are you doing ok now? You ready for this too?
no subject
[It's not going to happen today, or on their trip. It's only a thing that Dick wants them to think about over time, because being able to share the good and bad is a thing that they need to be able to do he thinks-- because bad will happen, and neither of them are perfect.
Maybe if they do get used to it now it'll be easier in the future. It's only because this relationship and Jason are the most important things in the world to Dick and there's nothing he would do to make sure they remain together and a success.
Getting this tattoo is a huge step for them, and when they kiss it feels like there's nothing that could ever tear them apart. Holding Jason for a few seconds longer, Dick presses a kiss to Jason's neck and nods. ]
I'm okay now. I want this more than ever now. I want the world to know that we belong together, two birds risen from the ashes.