I don't want to have fun with Babs. I want to be with you. I want to wrap my arms around you now, and bury my face in your neck, and reassure you that I'm here. That the things we don't know, we'll learn. I know that part will take time.
I want to take the time, and the only way I can show that is by doing it. There are no fast tracks there. I get that. I'm putting in the work, just by learning to actually talk, and say what's on my mind instead of locking it all up. I made a pact with myself after the pit.
I want that too but I've never had that before. I'm trying. I've been trying. I mean not with you that's new but in general. I've been putting in work too. I just don't want you to think because I'm a little more stable and managing on my own that I'm suddenly cured or whatever.
I don't want you to get your hopes up that I'm this different person without all this baggage dragging behind me. Like your dick is magical don't get me wrong but it's not gonna fix me in one night magical. I'm trying to learn to open up too but I'm gonna fuck up, Dick. Probably a lot.
I never once said anything like that. I never implied that either. I know that you're still working on things. I know that our philosophies don't match and they probably never will. I get that. I don't know what cured means.
I've got a new darkness in me that I don't really know what to do with, and I haven't talked about it with anyone. I don't mention it. I'm going to fuck up, I always fuck up. It's what I do. I'm not saying anything more than what I did.
I want to take time. I want to fuck, to talk sometimes, to hang out and do things you want. I want to make up for the shit I did. I'm not asking for magic, or perfection, or anything. I'm not even asking for a relationship. I don't want to be fucked around on, but we can take our time, Jason. I mean it. Just when I'm telling you I'm gonna come home and fuck you, don't drag up the past. alright? If you feel uncomfortable, you can say you need to slow down, but it suddenly made me feel like I was back there in that tower letting you fall.
I don't know. By cured I just mean I have shit and I'm working on it but I still have it and it's going to bubble over sometimes no matter how hard I try. I just want to make sure you understand that. I would say our philosophies couldn't be more different. That doesn't bother you anymore? You can live with that?
Then we both have a darkness in us only difference is I always did. But maybe that will help us understand each other better. You don't always fuck up, Dick. We all fuck up but inherently you're a good person. You always have been.
LOL I'm sorry but fuck around on you? I'm an idiot but I'd like to think I'm not that much of an idiot. I've been fucking fantasizing about you since before we even met. We don't know a lot about each other but I'm not a fuck around person. I don't really do casual or at least I didn't but some hurts stick with you. Alcohol or not, I didn't do this hoping for a quick fuck and then we go our separate ways. At least, I was hoping it wasn't that for you too.
Sounds like we both have ptsd from that night at the tower then. I'm sorry, ok? I didn't know. I had no idea you even thought about that. I wouldn't try to bring you back there on purpose ever. I know how it feels.
We are all working on our shit. I understand that you're working on it, probably better than you think I do. I know a lot about who you were, and the shit that wrecked you. I won't ever be able to clearly understand it, no. But, I think we can work together.
You kill people who ultimately deserve it, but you spare people too. I've been watching. You spare a lot more than you kill lately. i know that too. I don't like that you kill anyone, but I'm not going to make a deal of it right now. I know why you do it. I know how you feel about Gotham's justice system. I know how you always felt about them.
I've fucked up every relationship I was ever in. Every single on, Jason. I know myself very well. I'm selfish, and jealous, controlling and overly dedicated to my work. Well, I was. I'm working on that. I have not always been good.
I told you how long I've been looking at you for. Let me repeat it. I looked at you every time you looked at me when you moved in, especially during training. it was nearly impossible to get through a session. The nights were terrible. I barely ever slept. I may have fucked up relationships, but I've never turned my head or cheated. I always walked away. You. You have done things to me that no one else ever has, and I can't explain why, and yes, maybe we've only been together once, but this has been growing for a lot longer. You can never be a one time for me. I hope you're still at my place.
I do. I have a lot of regret from our relationship, and a lot more ptsd than you can understand. I don't know if I'll be ready to share it all yet, or even for a while. Some goes deeper than I like to think about.
Maybe I'm not as much of a closed book as I thought. At least, I'm trying to be a little better about it. But at least you understand parts of it. I don't think there is anyone else in the world who does.
What is that saying? Acceptance is a step in the right direction at least. I think maybe you're giving yourself too much credit on the relationship thing. Maybe you haven't always been perfect but maybe some of them just weren't the right fit? I don't know. You have a lot more experience when it comes to relationships than I do but I have fucked up any chance at even friendships. I self-sabotage because that's easier than people seeing me for who I am and it not being good enough.
I know. You have told me. I should have taken you more seriously. I thought maybe heat of the moment? I don't know. I'm not going to lie and say it isn't hard to believe that you looked at me back then too. I'm not saying I doubt you just it hasn't sunk in I don't think. I didn't want to get hopes up too early. I don't know if I can stress enough how long I've wanted you to look back at me and I had no idea.
It's ok. I'm not trying to get you to talk about it. Just saying I didn't know and maybe I should have realized that. I have a lot of shit I'm not ready to talk about and never have. That's an area that's a lot harder for me to work on I think. I'm not still at your place I figured it would be best to not be here when you got back tonight but I can turn around and come back?
Turn around, and go back to my place. I want to lay together and talk about this all face to face. It's better when it's not over text. I know it seems easier on a screen, but there's a lot of room for misunderstandings.
I want you too, but I want to talk to you about all this more. It's all important Jason. First I want to kiss you, and to touch you, and to remind us both that we are still allowed to do that.
I'm usually not great at either form of communication but I'm going to try.
I'm back at your place. No rush. I know it didn't seem like it but I meant it when I said have fun. Also if you do want to talk when you get home then you have to keep your hands and body to yourself because you're really distracting. In fact, the more clothes the better.
It doesn't take that long for Dick to show up back at his place. There fight has touched of something a little bit desperate and fierce in him. It makes him anxious and unhappy. The way they left things felt alright. They weren't running around swinging the happy hands of a couple, but they were working on life and Dick thought that they were at least headed in the same direction this time.
The curve ball that Jason smacked him with hurt. One second he was telling Jason how he wanted to suck his cock, and mark him, how he wanted to make that sexy body his and how Dick wasn't going any where, and the next second Jason was telling him that he should wait a few weeks. Dick knew he fucked a lot of things up. He knew he was terrible at relationships. He screwed every single one before this one up because he put work and himself before the person he cared about. Jason was so different. The way Dick felt was different. He couldn't tell Jason this. He knew he had to show him over time, but he figured he could get away with fucking talking sexy to him.
Now they were here, and Dick was supposed to sit on his hands when his first instincts, and absolute NEED was to slide his arms around Jason as they talked? How could he speak without holding him? How did that even work? What was his life now that he had this, how could he not touch him.
Walking in he stood there and bit his lip. "I- I don't even know what to say. I'm sorry. I need you. I can't even talk without needing to touch you, to hold you in my arms, even with clothes, I need to hold you. I- Jason. I.... whatever it takes. "
The comment had been meant as a stupid joke. Emphasis on the stupid part in hindsight. He thought maybe if he could voice his fears jokingly it might help lessen the weight of them. He had no idea Dick would react so strongly or be that upset by it. Jason knew it was only a matter of time before he fucked it up somehow, he just hadn’t expected it to be this soon.
Now Jason finds himself pacing back and forth in Dick’s living room, sitting, checking his phone, standing, rinse and repeat. Where they left things over text seems okay, not perfect, but not as heated. That doesn’t stop the anxiety from creeping in like a poison, tightening his chest and making him feel restless, fidgety, fighting the urge to flee. The old Jason would have taken off, too pissed, probably too cowardly to make himself vulnerable enough to face a conversation like this head on. Jason tried vulnerable in some of those low, desperate moments early on and it backfired, reinforcing the walls he kept around himself.
Suddenly there’s the soft beep of the alarm disabling and the slide of the door and Jason stops in his tracks, turning to find Dick standing there looking lost. Even if Dick didn’t see Jason pacing anxiously, Jason’s hair is a dead giveaway, curls a mess from him running his hands through his hair over and over. It’s not that he doesn’t want to touch the man standing in the doorway. It’s the exact opposite actually. He wants to touch him, he wants to pull him into his arms and hold him more than anything. It’s just he doesn’t know what Dick’s expectations are for talking and if he fucks this up even more somehow, it’ll be a lot easier if he doesn’t have to feel Dick pull away from him.
“Dick…” His voice is a little more anxious than he intends, making bare his real emotions he tries to keep under a facade of bravado. There is no denying the look on Dick’s face and the desperation in his voice and Jason steps forward, legs moving before his brain can catch up with his body. Fingers tug at the hem of Dick’s jacket, pulling him closer into the room and he wraps his arms around the older man, taking him in a tight embrace. “You don’t have to apologize, idiot." He says, fondness softening his voice, even in spite of the nerves. "It was my fault.”
"I know I'm not perfect, and that I've fucked up so many times. I mean, you don't even know the half of it Jason. I -- " He wraps himself around Jason and tucks his face into the other male's neck. It's immediately soothing. Dick knows that he shouldn't let it be this easy. There should be room for talking. Jesus, they're so fucked up. They get into fights so damn easily, and neither of them seem to know how to communicate worth a damn with the other, but the need is so great and now that they've crossed this threshold, Dick has no way of going back.
Turning back a clock is like walking backwards across barbed wire, sure it's fucking possible-- but there ain't a bird in hell that's gonna make him do it. Stripping off his jacket, Dick's out of his tie and shirt in minutes and he's pulling Jason out of his shirt too. It doesn't matter if they're going to talk. This is what he needs. He needs his hands on Jason's skin, the real thing, and he needs to feel that warm, firm skin against his own as they talk. He kisses him several times as he drags him over to the couch.
"Okay, this. Us. We are a mess. I know it. You know it. Fuck, we can't even talk about sucking cock without fighting. When you joke, you always hit me where it hurts somehow and I don't even know what it is before hand to tell you how I can help. I know you hold a world against me, and I deserve it. I was selfish, jealous and hateful at times, but fuck if I didn't love you so much the entire time. I pulled away because if I didn't, I could have messed all of us up. I am never going to forgive myself either. I- there's more, but I don't even know how to tell you. I - you'll end up hating me. Just know I will never let go of you again. "
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Got it. That makes two of us. Have fun with Babs.
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I don't know I thought it was like you said dirty talk. Fuck. Just forget it. I'm sorry this is not how this was supposed to go. Have fun with Babs.
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I want to take the time, and the only way I can show that is by doing it. There are no fast tracks there. I get that. I'm putting in the work, just by learning to actually talk, and say what's on my mind instead of locking it all up. I made a pact with myself after the pit.
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I don't want you to get your hopes up that I'm this different person without all this baggage dragging behind me. Like your dick is magical don't get me wrong but it's not gonna fix me in one night magical. I'm trying to learn to open up too but I'm gonna fuck up, Dick. Probably a lot.
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I've got a new darkness in me that I don't really know what to do with, and I haven't talked about it with anyone. I don't mention it. I'm going to fuck up, I always fuck up. It's what I do. I'm not saying anything more than what I did.
I want to take time. I want to fuck, to talk sometimes, to hang out and do things you want. I want to make up for the shit I did. I'm not asking for magic, or perfection, or anything. I'm not even asking for a relationship. I don't want to be fucked around on, but we can take our time, Jason. I mean it. Just when I'm telling you I'm gonna come home and fuck you, don't drag up the past. alright? If you feel uncomfortable, you can say you need to slow down, but it suddenly made me feel like I was back there in that tower letting you fall.
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Then we both have a darkness in us only difference is I always did. But maybe that will help us understand each other better. You don't always fuck up, Dick. We all fuck up but inherently you're a good person. You always have been.
LOL I'm sorry but fuck around on you? I'm an idiot but I'd like to think I'm not that much of an idiot. I've been fucking fantasizing about you since before we even met. We don't know a lot about each other but I'm not a fuck around person. I don't really do casual or at least I didn't but some hurts stick with you. Alcohol or not, I didn't do this hoping for a quick fuck and then we go our separate ways. At least, I was hoping it wasn't that for you too.
Sounds like we both have ptsd from that night at the tower then. I'm sorry, ok? I didn't know. I had no idea you even thought about that. I wouldn't try to bring you back there on purpose ever. I know how it feels.
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You kill people who ultimately deserve it, but you spare people too. I've been watching. You spare a lot more than you kill lately. i know that too. I don't like that you kill anyone, but I'm not going to make a deal of it right now. I know why you do it. I know how you feel about Gotham's justice system. I know how you always felt about them.
I've fucked up every relationship I was ever in. Every single on, Jason. I know myself very well. I'm selfish, and jealous, controlling and overly dedicated to my work. Well, I was. I'm working on that. I have not always been good.
I told you how long I've been looking at you for. Let me repeat it. I looked at you every time you looked at me when you moved in, especially during training. it was nearly impossible to get through a session. The nights were terrible. I barely ever slept. I may have fucked up relationships, but I've never turned my head or cheated. I always walked away. You. You have done things to me that no one else ever has, and I can't explain why, and yes, maybe we've only been together once, but this has been growing for a lot longer. You can never be a one time for me. I hope you're still at my place.
I do. I have a lot of regret from our relationship, and a lot more ptsd than you can understand. I don't know if I'll be ready to share it all yet, or even for a while. Some goes deeper than I like to think about.
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What is that saying? Acceptance is a step in the right direction at least. I think maybe you're giving yourself too much credit on the relationship thing. Maybe you haven't always been perfect but maybe some of them just weren't the right fit? I don't know. You have a lot more experience when it comes to relationships than I do but I have fucked up any chance at even friendships. I self-sabotage because that's easier than people seeing me for who I am and it not being good enough.
I know. You have told me. I should have taken you more seriously. I thought maybe heat of the moment? I don't know. I'm not going to lie and say it isn't hard to believe that you looked at me back then too. I'm not saying I doubt you just it hasn't sunk in I don't think. I didn't want to get hopes up too early. I don't know if I can stress enough how long I've wanted you to look back at me and I had no idea.
It's ok. I'm not trying to get you to talk about it. Just saying I didn't know and maybe I should have realized that. I have a lot of shit I'm not ready to talk about and never have. That's an area that's a lot harder for me to work on I think. I'm not still at your place I figured it would be best to not be here when you got back tonight but I can turn around and come back?
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I want you too, but I want to talk to you about all this more. It's all important Jason. First I want to kiss you, and to touch you, and to remind us both that we are still allowed to do that.
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I'm back at your place. No rush. I know it didn't seem like it but I meant it when I said have fun. Also if you do want to talk when you get home then you have to keep your hands and body to yourself because you're really distracting. In fact, the more clothes the better.
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The curve ball that Jason smacked him with hurt. One second he was telling Jason how he wanted to suck his cock, and mark him, how he wanted to make that sexy body his and how Dick wasn't going any where, and the next second Jason was telling him that he should wait a few weeks. Dick knew he fucked a lot of things up. He knew he was terrible at relationships. He screwed every single one before this one up because he put work and himself before the person he cared about. Jason was so different. The way Dick felt was different. He couldn't tell Jason this. He knew he had to show him over time, but he figured he could get away with fucking talking sexy to him.
Now they were here, and Dick was supposed to sit on his hands when his first instincts, and absolute NEED was to slide his arms around Jason as they talked? How could he speak without holding him? How did that even work? What was his life now that he had this, how could he not touch him.
Walking in he stood there and bit his lip. "I- I don't even know what to say. I'm sorry. I need you. I can't even talk without needing to touch you, to hold you in my arms, even with clothes, I need to hold you. I- Jason. I.... whatever it takes. "
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Now Jason finds himself pacing back and forth in Dick’s living room, sitting, checking his phone, standing, rinse and repeat. Where they left things over text seems okay, not perfect, but not as heated. That doesn’t stop the anxiety from creeping in like a poison, tightening his chest and making him feel restless, fidgety, fighting the urge to flee. The old Jason would have taken off, too pissed, probably too cowardly to make himself vulnerable enough to face a conversation like this head on. Jason tried vulnerable in some of those low, desperate moments early on and it backfired, reinforcing the walls he kept around himself.
Suddenly there’s the soft beep of the alarm disabling and the slide of the door and Jason stops in his tracks, turning to find Dick standing there looking lost. Even if Dick didn’t see Jason pacing anxiously, Jason’s hair is a dead giveaway, curls a mess from him running his hands through his hair over and over. It’s not that he doesn’t want to touch the man standing in the doorway. It’s the exact opposite actually. He wants to touch him, he wants to pull him into his arms and hold him more than anything. It’s just he doesn’t know what Dick’s expectations are for talking and if he fucks this up even more somehow, it’ll be a lot easier if he doesn’t have to feel Dick pull away from him.
“Dick…” His voice is a little more anxious than he intends, making bare his real emotions he tries to keep under a facade of bravado. There is no denying the look on Dick’s face and the desperation in his voice and Jason steps forward, legs moving before his brain can catch up with his body. Fingers tug at the hem of Dick’s jacket, pulling him closer into the room and he wraps his arms around the older man, taking him in a tight embrace. “You don’t have to apologize, idiot." He says, fondness softening his voice, even in spite of the nerves. "It was my fault.”
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Turning back a clock is like walking backwards across barbed wire, sure it's fucking possible-- but there ain't a bird in hell that's gonna make him do it. Stripping off his jacket, Dick's out of his tie and shirt in minutes and he's pulling Jason out of his shirt too. It doesn't matter if they're going to talk. This is what he needs. He needs his hands on Jason's skin, the real thing, and he needs to feel that warm, firm skin against his own as they talk. He kisses him several times as he drags him over to the couch.
"Okay, this. Us. We are a mess. I know it. You know it. Fuck, we can't even talk about sucking cock without fighting. When you joke, you always hit me where it hurts somehow and I don't even know what it is before hand to tell you how I can help. I know you hold a world against me, and I deserve it. I was selfish, jealous and hateful at times, but fuck if I didn't love you so much the entire time. I pulled away because if I didn't, I could have messed all of us up. I am never going to forgive myself either. I- there's more, but I don't even know how to tell you. I - you'll end up hating me. Just know I will never let go of you again. "